It's a Wrap!

So, I sat down to start wrapping Christmas presents today. Not holiday presents, not December presents, CHRISTMAS presents. For CHRISTMAS. It’s a sad frickin’ world we live in where the mere mention of a specific holiday raises an eyebrow. I understand, as most of us do, that there are different religions and beliefs. DUH. Me and mine? We celebrate Christmas. If you celebrate Hanukkah, or Kwanza, and you wish me a happy or merry one, I’ll take it for what it is, not consider you some politically insensitive a-hole.

So, Merry Effing Christmas.

Anyway, wrapping. My dear wife and I come from two completely different schools of thought on this one. She’s all about the presentation – the right bow, the matching tissue paper, the color-coordinated gift tags, and the perfectly folded corners. Me? I look at wrapping paper for what it is – something to cover up something else that you don’t want other people to see. My goal in wrapping a gift is that the recipient cannot peek, shake, or otherwise decipher what’s in the box. 

Above: Gifts wrapped by my wife.

This requires a lot of tape.

No, really. Like, a lot. Like “Christmas-morning-you-better-bring-the-letter-opener-to-open-gifts-that-Kwam-wrapped-a-lot.”

See, I was one of those kids that always tried to sneak a peek. Lifting that one un-taped corner, then laying it flat again; holding the gifts wrapped in that thin drug store wrapping paper up to the light to see what lies beneath – I was crafty. 

Now, when I sit to wrap for my kids, I’m not building a pretty package. I’m building a fortress. A fortress made of recycled paper and 3M (no off brands here) Scotch™ tape. Gift tags? Maybe, if they’re handy. Bows? Meh. If you’ve seen a kid unwrap a Christmas present – or any present for that matter – precious few care about that crap. All that work you put into it ends up a shredded pile of trash out by the curb. I make sure the gift is covered on all sides, and I write the “To” and “From” right on the paper with a super festive black Sharpie. The kids don’t notice, the kids don’t care. 

Don’t get me wrong. The gifts don’t look like they were wrapped by Ray Charles, and I even take care to get special paper JUST for gifts from Santa. They just don’t have six-inch ribbon curls and music coming out of them.

You know who appreciates the bows and tags and glitter and unicorn rainbow tape? Grandmothers. In fact, they keep all that stuff. So, sure, I’ll do it up for Granny. With all the time I save wrapping the kids’ gifts, I can spend that quality time.

So, if you’re lucky enough to get a gift from me, don’t waste a lot of time looking at it. It’s what’s inside that counts.

That’s the rant.

Originally published on my old humor blog, Kwam's Rant.