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Please. Stop. SINGING.

I'm a huge fan of holiday songs. Some of you may remember, I even wrote the world's first Labor Day song. However, some Christmas songs are just stupid. No, I take that back. I just think they were written by people who had a little too much "nog," if you catch my drift. Allow me to explain with a few examples:


First off, "The Christmas Song." Kinda presumptuous to call it THE Christmas Song. Sheesh. Besides, what in the hell are they talking about? Who roasts chestnuts by an open fire? That's gotta be some kind of hazard, especially with the tree there, and all those stockings hanging around. And do you know how expensive nuts are? I paid $6 for a bag of freakin' cashews the other day. I don't even LIKE cashews. And what happens if you invite some kid over who has one of those weird "nut" allergies? Next thing you know, he blows up and looks like an oompa-loompa, and you're being sued. No thanks.


Jack Frost nipping at my nose? Huh? Tiny tots with their eyes all aglow? What is this, Christmas or "Children of the Corn?" This song scares the hell out of me, quite frankly.

I actually like "The Chipmunk Song," because it speaks to what Christmas is really all about. Greedy little kids who want stuff. "Want a plane that loops the loop...Me, I want a Huuuula Hoop! We can hardly stand the wait, please Christmas don't be late!"


Then there's "We Wish you a Merry Christmas." Please bring you some what? Figgy pudding? Piggy pudding? Ziggy pudding? Again I ask, what the hell are you talking about? Are you drunk? Look, dude, we've got Egg Nog and Cranberry Sauce. No nasty-ass pudding. That's it. You know what? Forget it. I'm not bringing you anything, you lush. Why don't you just go sit in the snow and sober up?


And "Jingle Bells." Oh what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh? Have you ever even SEEN an open sleigh? First off, they smell, because you're about 11 inches from a horse's butt. And they're bumpy. And it's cold. And, there's a good chance you can fall off and die. Oh yeah, that's fun.


"White Christmas." Oh, so it has to be a WHITE Christmas? Is that so, BING? Just let me get over to this phone and give Al Sharpton a call. I'm sure he'd LOVE to talk to you about a white Christmas.


"Silent Night" Three words. "Round young virgin." Here is a songwriter who was obviously a chubby-chasing pedophile. What else could it mean?


"I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus." Huh? What? I guess Santa DOES give gifts to naughty little girls. Look, this is not the right time of year for your kids to find out that you're the neighborhood slut. This poor kid grew up and wrote a song about it, for crying out loud. I at least hope for all that kissing that you got some good presents out of it.


"Jingle Bell Rock" This was one of those few really good Christmas songs, and then Hall and Oates made that horrible video and ruined it for me. What were they thinking?


"Cradle of Love." OK, this isn't a Christmas song, but I saw the video this weekend and it reminded me of how much I liked this classic Billy Idol jam. Damn, it rocks.


"Grandma got run over by a reindeer." This song is a perfect example of why people from other countries (even CANADIANS) laugh at us. Even the people singing this song sound drunk. Seriously, people, stop playing this song. Please. Is this the kind of song you want your kids memorizing? I'd rather hear Charo trying to sing the national anthem.


"Auld Lang Syne." Not a Christmas Carol, but close enough, and another example of a song written by some drunk Victorian. Every year we sing this song, and nobody knows what it means. "Should old acquaintance be forgot?" That's not even GRAMMATICALLY correct. I don't know what "Auld," "Lang," or "Syne" mean. I think some guy made it up for drunk people to sing, and he laughs his butt off whenever we try. So, you know what? I'm gonna make up my own nonsense words and sing my own New Years’ song: "Should green gerbils be thrown out the window? Googey Woogie New Year Cajoogey!"


I like it. It's catchy.


And finally, there's the mother of them all. "The 12 days of Xmas." I don't care who you are or where you're from, this song NEVER made sense. Welcome to scavenger hunt hell! What kind of true love would load your house up with swans, hens, geese, doves, partridges and a friggin' tree? What is he, some kind of bird-watching psycho? Is he coming over to clean up the mess they make? And then there are the lords o' leaping, maids a' milking, drummers drumming, ladies dancing, and whatever the hell else there is. Hey, if he adds "13-slackers-a-groping," it could be OzzFest. About the only part of that song that makes any sense is FIVE GOLDEN RINGS. Here's an idea, Chachi. Go to the mall. Buy her something shiny or something that smells good. Save the chicks milking cows for your EX-girlfriend's present. OK?


Fa-la-la-la-la, and that's the rant.


Originally published on my old humor blog, Kwam’s Rant.

Kwame DeRoche