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The very next day...I gave it away.

The long-awaited third chapter of holiday song hell is upon us. Luckily for me, there's no shortage of songs to pick on.

 

It's sad that anyone with access to bells and a recording studio thinks that they have the right to make Christmas music. Ugh. But speaking of bells….

 

"Silver Bells"

I find this one hard to believe. If it's Christmastime in the city, you won't hear any bells. Have you BEEN to the city? ANY CITY? You'll hear some horns, definitely some sirens, cuss words, some hookers asking if you need a date for your office party, some crying kids, and the occasional gunshot. Ding-a-ling, hear them ring? Not unless you're in Topeka. And I just saw that "city" on "COPS," so I'm not even so sure about that one, Chachi.

 

"Step into Christmas"

So, is Christmas a pair of pants? Boots? A pile of poop? I still don't get how I'm supposed to step in a holiday. Then again, Sir Elton, you also sang "Crocodile Rock," which I STILL don't get. Crazy British people. At least Sir Elton isn't diddling himself in a park. But more about THAT Brit later.

 

"Pretty Paper"

Can you say ADHD? Dude, it's Christmas, and you're singing about the ribbons and the paper? Hello, there are gifts under there. THAT's the good stuff! And Roy, take off the dark glasses. Besides making my wife think you’re blind, you're freaking me out.

 

"Do They Know It's Christmas? (Feed the World.)"

Lemme see. They live in the African Sahara. The desolate plains. Or that village where the guy in “The Gods Must be Crazy” got hit with a Coke bottle and thought it was from the gods. Uhm….I think it’s safe to say that they don't believe in Jesus, if they even know who we're talking about. So, the answer would have to be...NO.

 

And do they care? Not so much. If they saw a big fat white guy and 8 reindeer, there's good money that says they'd eat them.

 

But the part of this song that always pisses me off? Bono yelling (about the poor naked starving Africans) "Tonight, thank God it's them, instead of you!!!"

   
  
 
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      Do we know it's CHRISTMAS? No, you insensitive ethnocentric moron. 

Do we know it's CHRISTMAS? No, you insensitive ethnocentric moron. 

Wow. That's really the spirit of the season. Never mind the fact that feeding the world, as a noble cause, shouldn't be restricted to Christmas, a holiday they (once again) don't even care about. Luckily Bono got much better at his philanthropic language after about 30 more years of practice.

 

"Little Saint Nick"

I love the Beach Boys as much as any red-blooded American who longs for the days when we could leave our front doors open and hang out with Gidget, but this song crosses a line. Santa in some souped-up hot rod with "...a ski for a wheel?" I don't think so. And where are

the reindeer, huh? Lemme guess...way down in Kokomo?

 

"Last Christmas"

Classic 80s junior high school Christmas party slow dance song. And there are a few lines that take on a whole different meaning when you realize George Michael was singing about a DUDE.

 

“Face of a lover with a fire in his heart, a man undercover, who TORE ME APART.”

 

Uhm….OK, then.

 

As for my casssingle? The very next day, I gave it away.

 

"Santa Claus is Coming To Town"

...yeah, and John Walsh from "America's Most Wanted" is right behind him, the stalker. He sees me when I'm sleeping, knows when I'm awake? Is he also digging through my trash and calling me at 3 AM just to hang up? No, wait, that's just my psycho neighbor. Never mind. Wrong

song.

 

Oh, crap. Now I have "Kokomo" stuck in my head.

 

Aruba, Jamaica, ooh I wanna take ya to Bermuda, Bahama, c'mon pretty mama…Key Largo, Montego, baby why don't we go down to Kokomo, we'll get there fast and then we'll take it slow, THAT's where we want to go…way down to Kokomo…

 

And you do, too. Happy holidays.

 

Originally published on my old humor blog, Kwam’s Rant

Kwame DeRoche