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Dan Fogelberg was creepy. And baby, it's cold out--that's date rape.

Well, it’s that time of year, and the Christmas songs are never-ending. So, as has become a Kwam’s Rant tradition, allow me to rip 2 more of them apart:

“Baby, it’s cold outside.”

This song is clearly about date rape, and proof that this crap was going on even back in the ‘40s:

I really can’t stay (but baby its cold outside)

I’ve got to go away (but baby its cold outside)

This evening has been… so very nice (I’ll hold your hands they’re just like ice)

My mother will start to worry! (Beautiful what’s your hurry?)

Right there is where it takes a turn, and it only gets worse. Dude, the lady obviously wants to leave, so just let her. I know it’s the holidays, and you’re feeling a little lonely and a lot horny, but there’s no need to resort to this. You’re holding her hand, her sister is suspicious, and she’s wondering “what’s in this drink?” And all you’ve got to say is “it’s cold outside?”

You are SO GOING TO JAIL.

And besides saying it’s cold outside over and over and over again, what the hell does this song have to do with Christmas? Call it what it is – a wintertime song about roofies and entrapment. Just what I want my son singing to as we decorate the tree.

“Same Auld Lang Syne.”

Speaking of crap I don’t want my son learning about, this little ditty is about one of MY favorite 1970s balladeers, Dan Fogelberg, running into his “former lover” at the grocery store on Christmas Eve. Wh-wh-what? Oh, it gets better:

Took her groceries to the checkout stand,

The food was totaled up and bagged, 

We stood there lost in our embarrassment,

as the conversation dragged, 

Went to have ourselves a drink or two

but couldn't find an open bar…

JACKASS. It’s Christmas Eve. But with the last name Fogelberg, I suppose you wouldn’t care. Besides, she’s got groceries to take home. So, what did Danny boy do next?

Bought a six-pack at the liquor store

and we drank it in her car

We drank a toast to innocence,

we drank a toast to now

Tried to reach beyond the emptiness

but neither one knew how.

Uhm. WTF? What are you, some kind of degenerate? If this was acceptable, she was obviously trailer trash. I don’t even want to know what you tried to fill the “emptiness” with. And now she’s gonna drive home drunk or at least smelling of beer when all she said she was going out for was batteries and some cranberry sauce?

And I guess compared to saying, “let’s go bang like a drum at the Motel 6,” this was a classy move??

She said she'd married her an architect

Kept her warm and safe and dry

She said she'd like to say she loved the man

but she didn't like to lie…

THIS. IS. HORRIBLE. But why does it have to be so damn catchy and melodic? So, long story short, that was the green light he needed to hit that in the parking lot of the Wegmans.

The beers were empty and our tongues grew tired

and running out of things to say

She gave a kiss to me as I got out

and I watched her drive away

Just for a moment I was back in school

And felt that old familiar pain

And as I turned to make my way back home

the snow turned into rain

Tongues got tired? Really? What the hell were you doing? And again, besides the mention of Christmas Eve, which only makes this adulterous bullshit even worse, why the hell is the radio station playing this in between “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” and “The Chipmunk Song?”

I’m going to guess she either wrapped her car around a tree and died, or got totally busted smelling like beer and man juice when she got home and her husband beat her to death. Then, he found Dan Fogelberg and killed him, too.

It’s not as if the story could get any worse.

I think I’ll just go back to “All I want for Christmas is my 2 Front Teeth.”

That’s the rant.

Originally published on my old humor blog, Kwam’s Rant.

Kwame DeRoche