Copywriting. Creative Direction. Branding. Content. I've got your words.

Merry, yeah, well, whatever.

So, the holiday season is in full swing, and that means the stupid commercials are out. Yeah, the outdated, ridiculous, and downright asinine commercials that they only trot out for the holidays, like:

The Ones For Idiot Guys.

I am not an idiot. I do not need a jewelry store commercial to tell me that my wife likes jewelry. But apparently everyone else does. The one that ticked me off this year? Two jackasses high-fiving each other outside of Zales. Big whoop. Congrats on walking into the McDonalds of jewelry and ordered the #2 "Get me laid under the tree" special with a side of "sorry I forgot our anniversary this year." No thought, no nothing -- besides a 20 year old sales girl with a low-cut top telling you that your wife, who she doesn't know, will "love it."


Oh yeah, Chachi.

Every wife wants to have the $199 Jane Seymour ugly-ass special you (and a million others guys) just saw on TV. You're better off just handing her money, because you don't even have a thought that will count.

Still don't get it? How would you feel if she walked into Home Depot and got you the Black and Decker Corded Drill (on special, right by the door, for $19.99) instead of the Ryobi 18V Cordless -- you know, the one that the man in the orange apron has to unlock for you to even look at?

This guy knows what I'm talking about. 

This guy knows what I'm talking about. 

Ah…I can see the look on your face. Like the first time the caveman got fire from banging 2 rocks together.

Moving on…

Toys I've NEVER Heard Of. 

Where the hell did this robotic dinosaur thing come from? For the past month, I've seen nothing but commercials for it. And now, of course, it's at the top of my 4-year-old's list.

Unfortunately for him, I can't really see spending over $100 for something that he'll clearly be afraid of the moment it moves. Trust me, I've tested it out in the store, and it took 20 minutes and an ice cream to calm him down. Speaking of toys…

Toys I Didn't Know They Made Anymore.

I heard it from the other room and ran in just in time to see the commercial for PogoBall. Yeah, THAT PogoBall, the same one we had 20 years ago. As a matter-of-fact, it was THE SAME COMMERCIAL. I guess they have some left in a warehouse someplace.

Celebrity Fragrances. 

Want to smell like Beyoncé? J-Lo? Any other day-old celebrities? Then get sucked into their bargain basement fragrances that all the middle school girls will be getting this year, as the boys will be spraying themselves toes to tops with TAG body spray or some God-awful thing that smells like Antonio Banderas or P. Diddy.

Yeah, little dudes, let me tell you something, it doesn't work any better than the 4 LeTigre polos I talked my mom into getting me in 1984. No screaming girls chasing me. Not a one. Just a sucker kid with a dumb tiger on his shirt.

And as much as we'd like to think our families and friends have some sense, someone is going to buy you something you don't want, don't need, or don't even understand, just because they saw it in a commercial.

And you're going to have to grin and bear it.

That's the rant.

Originally published on my old humor blog, Kwam's Rant


Kwame DeRoche