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Don't Be a Holiday Moron.



Hey. It's Christmastime. Yeah, I said it. I'm not gonna puss out or PC-up and call it the holidays or whatever else. Even if you're Jewish or a Kwanzaanite, you still accept that it's Christmastime. In fact, growing up in Brooklyn, some of the Jewish families had nicer Christmas trees than us. So suck it.


That being said, don't be a holiday jerk. There are many ways to do this, but I'll quickly cover the ones that tick me off the most.


1. Don't be the idiot buying kids' toys at CVS. I saw some dude buying those cheap, crappy, out-of-date jobbies while waiting in line today for Static Guard. I'm sorry that you're so busy that you can't make your way to a legitimate store that carries toys your kids actually want. Sure, CVS is the only place to find that Power Ranger from 2 years ago, so buy it, sell it on eBay, and buy your kid a relevant toy. These are the toys you buy when your kid has a Secret Santa at school, since they all hover around the magical $10 mark. The only other people who buy this stuff are cheap, confused grandparents who don't understand that there is playground cache in having an actual, made-by-Hasbro, G.I. Joe, not stupid generic "Army force" figures that snap apart the first time you play with them. Ask yourself this. Would you get Grandma's medication or liniment at Toys R Us? Then don't buy toys at CVS. Ass.


2. There's enough frickin' parking for everyone. We're all cold. We're all out of shape and don't want to walk more than 4 car lengths to Target. So get over yourself and GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY, Mr. My-Blinker-is-on-and-I'm-waiting-for-this-family-of-turtles-to-load-up-their-tree- and-wreath-and-dog-food-and-ice-melter. There are other cars behind you that would also like to park. Ass.


3. To the woman buying the red AND green cherries at Giant: PUT THE CANDIED FRUITS DOWN, and no one will get hurt. We've all got our problems, lady, but nothing was ever solved by giving someone a fruit cake. Let's talk about it, OK?


4. Let me explain this for the last time. THERE IS NO "IN THE BACK." I've worked retail, and I can tell you what's in the back. More lazy people who just want you to go away, and a dartboard. That's it. You crapheads stand there in the aisle, taking up the associates' time, and there's none left. None. They don't want to go check in the back because there's nothing there. This only works in shoe stores, where EVERYTHING is in the back. If they say they're going to check, you'll never see them again. You were a dumbass who waited until the first week of December to try to find an "Ultimate Optimus Prime." I'm so sure they were saving that last one in the back for the next person to ask.


5. Appliances. Are. Not. Christmas. Presents. If she can't wear it, spray it on, or eat it, chances are you screwed up. Luckily you still have time to take it back. Go. Now.


Maybe if you wait until next year, they'll have it at CVS.


Originally published on my old humor blog, Kwam’s Rant.

Kwame DeRoche